I have thought about writing about Samantha many times, but haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet. Mainly because every time I try, I cry instead. (See, I just had to take a three minute break.) One day I will write about her and what she meant to us all, but not yet.
Instead, this is about something I have found fascinating over the last few weeks. Samantha, like all 21 year olds, had a facebook page and very kindly allowed her old, un-hip relatives to be her friends. In the days right after the accident, there was the expected outpouring of grief on her page, as family and friends posted their reactions to her loss. I visited her page that week and was moved reading what everyone else had written. It was nice to know that she had been so loved and I felt comforted.
What surprised me was when I returned to her page a month later. Facebook had suggested I write on her wall and I found myself wanting to connect to her in some way as we reached the one month anniversary of her death. I wrote her a message and it was oddly soothing. It felt like visiting her grave and talking to her, as if part of her essence was there among her lists of favorite music, goofy tattoos and random thoughts. As I finished, I suddenly realized that I was not alone in visiting her there. Several friends and family members had done the same, prompted either by habit or a similar note from Facebook. Again, it was comforting to read about other memories of Sam and know I was not alone in still missing her.
I returned again tonight, prompted this time by a graduation photo a friend of hers had tagged and posted. I was less surprised to see there were more posts, but noted another change in that some of them now referenced other posts on the page. Samantha's Facebook page has become a place where those who miss her can connect not just to her, but to each other, lessening the feeling of isolation that grief can bring.
I'm sure all this will pass as our grief becomes less immediate and Samantha's page will come to a natural end. For now, however, it is nice to know that I am not alone in being unable to imagine a world without her beautiful smile.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
High Risk vs. High Hopes
I vividly remember one summer at my grandmother's searching for something to do and coming across an Erma Bombeck book. I actually enjoyed reading about the life of a housewife and thought she was pretty funny. One part I remember vividly was a conversation she had with her husband about cleaning out their attic. He noted that they would have lots of space if they parted with their crib and other baby gear, given that their children were teenagers. She vetoed him, reminding him that the quickest way to get pregnant is to clear your house of all you would need should you have another baby. Alas, I neglected to take the lesson to heart because on March 27th we emptied our house of the last of our infant and toddler supplies and, on April 6th, we found out I was pregnant with our fourth child. Let this be a warning to you all.
Craig actually took the news well, his primary concern being that the baby never felt unwanted or less loved because it was "an accident." (Which I consider further proof that I made an inspired choice in husbands.) I had been told not to get pregnant so I approached my doctors with some concern. They weren't thrilled but did agree that it was not, in fact, the end of the world. They simply wanted me to take extra precautions and warned me that I would need to have some extra doctors on board and would be seeing everyone more often than in previous pregnancies. I also have no choice in hospital for delivery since the only one in the area that has both a maternity ward and critical care cardiac unit is WHC. I'm a little bummed about this since I didn't have a great experience there with TR. Still, it seems like a small price to pay for a healthy mom and baby.
I do, however, have a lot of doctors, which is somewhat amusing. My regular OB is great. I've seen her twice and she's pretty laid-back, we do have to talk about heart stuff but she deals with it and always emphasizes that her expectation is that I will have a normal pregnancy and delivery and she'll keep thinking that until something occurs to make it otherwise. In addition to my regular cardiologist, I now have one who has a little sub-speciality in pregnancy and heart disease. He is, as he told me, "really excited about this pregnancy. I'm going to have think of things I've never thought about before." I'm assuming this is meant to be reassuring and it is somewhat since I really believe he is spending spare time working up different protocols "just in case." I'm also going to see a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist, a combination of a high-risk OB and perinatologist. So far they are my least favorite since they seem to spend a lot of time focused on what could go wrong (plus they told me I can't have any caffeine at all, not even chocolate). I get that it's their job, but it is kind of a downer.
There is something of an element of mystery surrounding this pregnancy since no one is really sure what to expect. Only 150 documented cases of SCAD (Spontaneous Coronary Artery Dissection, in my case postpartum) have occured since 1931 and, since only about 45 people survived, there is not a lot of data out there. We're also pretty sure that no one else has been dumb enough to get pregnant again so I'm probably a first. Anyway, since they don't know they are all preparing for everything and that means seeing me all the time (every two weeks now and by the end it will be 2-3 times a week). We'd be in pretty bad shape if it weren't for Bonnie, who has volunteered to watch the boys this summer when I have appointments (yay, Bonnie!!). She and dad are also heading down to Florida early this year so they can come back and be here at the end of the pregnancy to provide whatever support I need. There is no consensus on whether or not I will actually make it to my December 8th due date, but we are operating on the assumption that I will.
Actually, we are working on our positive thinking skills in general. I haven't had any problems to date and there is no reason to think I will in the future. We know what the main risks are for me and for the baby and how they will know when there is a problem. We also know what they'll do at different stages of the pregnancy should the need arise. I refuse, however, to spend my time worrying about it and 80% of the time I'm able to ignore it all. I may be high-risk, but every pregnancy should be centered around high hopes.
Besides, I have bigger problems, like replacing all that baby gear we gave away. Oh, and did I mention I'm having another boy? Yeah, go ahead and laugh, everyone else has.
Craig actually took the news well, his primary concern being that the baby never felt unwanted or less loved because it was "an accident." (Which I consider further proof that I made an inspired choice in husbands.) I had been told not to get pregnant so I approached my doctors with some concern. They weren't thrilled but did agree that it was not, in fact, the end of the world. They simply wanted me to take extra precautions and warned me that I would need to have some extra doctors on board and would be seeing everyone more often than in previous pregnancies. I also have no choice in hospital for delivery since the only one in the area that has both a maternity ward and critical care cardiac unit is WHC. I'm a little bummed about this since I didn't have a great experience there with TR. Still, it seems like a small price to pay for a healthy mom and baby.
I do, however, have a lot of doctors, which is somewhat amusing. My regular OB is great. I've seen her twice and she's pretty laid-back, we do have to talk about heart stuff but she deals with it and always emphasizes that her expectation is that I will have a normal pregnancy and delivery and she'll keep thinking that until something occurs to make it otherwise. In addition to my regular cardiologist, I now have one who has a little sub-speciality in pregnancy and heart disease. He is, as he told me, "really excited about this pregnancy. I'm going to have think of things I've never thought about before." I'm assuming this is meant to be reassuring and it is somewhat since I really believe he is spending spare time working up different protocols "just in case." I'm also going to see a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist, a combination of a high-risk OB and perinatologist. So far they are my least favorite since they seem to spend a lot of time focused on what could go wrong (plus they told me I can't have any caffeine at all, not even chocolate). I get that it's their job, but it is kind of a downer.
There is something of an element of mystery surrounding this pregnancy since no one is really sure what to expect. Only 150 documented cases of SCAD (Spontaneous Coronary Artery Dissection, in my case postpartum) have occured since 1931 and, since only about 45 people survived, there is not a lot of data out there. We're also pretty sure that no one else has been dumb enough to get pregnant again so I'm probably a first. Anyway, since they don't know they are all preparing for everything and that means seeing me all the time (every two weeks now and by the end it will be 2-3 times a week). We'd be in pretty bad shape if it weren't for Bonnie, who has volunteered to watch the boys this summer when I have appointments (yay, Bonnie!!). She and dad are also heading down to Florida early this year so they can come back and be here at the end of the pregnancy to provide whatever support I need. There is no consensus on whether or not I will actually make it to my December 8th due date, but we are operating on the assumption that I will.
Actually, we are working on our positive thinking skills in general. I haven't had any problems to date and there is no reason to think I will in the future. We know what the main risks are for me and for the baby and how they will know when there is a problem. We also know what they'll do at different stages of the pregnancy should the need arise. I refuse, however, to spend my time worrying about it and 80% of the time I'm able to ignore it all. I may be high-risk, but every pregnancy should be centered around high hopes.
Besides, I have bigger problems, like replacing all that baby gear we gave away. Oh, and did I mention I'm having another boy? Yeah, go ahead and laugh, everyone else has.
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