How I Spent My Summer (and Fall and Winter)

Almost a year to the day after I told my school I would not be returning in the Fall, I pulled out my resume and started polishing it so I can send it out and hopefully land a job for this September. While part of me looks forward to being back in a school, an equal part of me wishes I could hold on to this year for longer.

I would be lying if I said there weren't individual days when I wanted to crawl out of my skin after the boys were particularly challenging, because there have been. They are far outweighed, however, by the incredible feeling of satisfaction I have experienced all year at being able to be present for my boys' lives in a way that wasn't easily possible when I was working. I've been there every afternoon for pick-up and also whenever there was a problem, when kids are sick or there is a flood or snowstorm that closes school for the week. Things that would have been crises in a world where I needed to be at work became almost stress-free.

Even better, to me, are all the times where I didn't really need to be there but could be. Field trips, of course, but also the 30 minutes I spent listening to the boys talk about their class science fair projects. Seeing how well they explained everything to the judges was amazing and seeing the looks on their faces when they saw me come in the exhibition hall even better. Would they have missed me if I didn't show up at 10:30 am on a Friday? Almost definitely not. Were they completely thrilled I was there and so proud as they showed me a part of their lives I would not have seen otherwise? Without a doubt.

I have also loved having a chance to spend time with TR before he joins the ranks of the school-bound. We have spent much of it doing nothing in particular and loving it, coloring is a big favorite and reading books definitely rates. There is something of a rhythm to our lives. We have great conversations about what he did at pre-school that morning during lunch on M, W and F (amazing to me since, in contrast, my 7 yo apparently does absolutely nothing all day, every day). We've hit some playgroups on Tuesdays and the library on Thursday. He comes to Stokes with me when I have committee meetings and plays with other little brothers while the grown-ups talk. He is three, with all that entails, but is also sweet and adorable and so excited to be with me that it makes me catch my breath at times. He's my last little one and having the chance to enjoy him in this way is a gift.

Another gift has been the time to step back and really focus on CJ and what he needs to be successful at home and school. We had a plan at the beginning of the year and, as with all plans, have had to adjust it many times over the last 6 months. My being home made all those adjustments almost easy and we have been thrilled to see the work begin to pay off. He is writing and coloring up a storm, a huge achievement for my guy who couldn't stand to hold a pencil or crayon, and making progress in other ways as well. We have a long way to go but have made a great start.

I've also been able to focus more on my health and have made great progress there. There are still bad days or weeks, a given with a chronic illness, but they are now shorter and farther apart. I've learned what to do to manage them better and Craig has had less stress trying to be all things to everyone when they occur.

Unfortunately, we don't have a printing press in the basement so back to work I go next year. And I'm not actually that unhappy about going back. It will be nice once again to be doing the job I enjoy. I am, I admit, hoping that the perfect part-time job will appear, one that gives me the funds we need and also the flexibility to keep some parts of this great year going. We'll see what happens, but I'm not holding my breathe.

Most important, to me, is knowing that the decision I made a year ago was in fact the best one I could have made for myself and my family. Whatever comes next, we are all better prepared to handle it because we've had this time and for that I am truly thankful.

Weekend fun

After a couple of stressful weeks, it was a relief to have a very relaxing weekend. It snowed here, which was something of a surprise since at 11:30 pm Friday they were calling for a dusting and we ended up with at least 6 inches. It was also very cold (like 17 degrees - yes, all you Californian Updykes can gloat), which made being outside less fun. Still, the boys trooped out and played hard. A snow weekend always makes for happy boys.

My favorite parts were the indoors ones, however. CJ had his second music class on Saturday morning (as the storm was kicking in) and came home eager to use his new slide whistle and complete his composition for next week. He was equally enthralled with the new DVD on Andy Warhol we watched (courtesy of his godfather). The rest of the weekend was spent alternating between making music and art. Best quotes? "Mom, I can't come to dinner because I'm an artist and artists don't stop until they finish their work." and "Do you know how Andy Warhol and I are the same? We both like to use bright colors and we both use pencils to start our pictures." Sometimes you just want to give them a great big hug.

AJ has truly discovered the joy of video games. He's only allowed to play the Wii on the weekends and even then there is a time limit, but he takes what he can get. Auntie Erica got them Outdoor Adventure and we all had a great time working up a sweat. They have fun teamwork games where you have to work together and they actually let you know how well you did (Craig and I sadly got something like 40 out of 100 on the waterfall climb, hopefully our parenting score is better). Mario Kart is his passion, however, and dad is his preferred partner. It is fun to watch them go at it and congratulate or commiserate as appropriate. Best quote? "Since I'm playing you, mom, I'll do the easy ones. Dad and I can do the hard ones later."

TR desperately wants to be 6. He tries his best to play right along with his brothers and ends up frustrated frequently, but it doesn't change his mind. He and AJ actually have a great partnership going on some of the Wii games, TR does the legwork (jumping or running as needed) and AJ handles the remote. They've racked up some pretty good scores and he is soooo thrilled to be playing with his biggest brother. Naptime is out the window when brothers are around also, unless he is super-tired. We end up with a cranky boy by 5 pm, but he is determined not to miss out on a single minute of fun. Best quote? "No nap, mommy. I go to bed early."

All in all, it was a great weekend. It wasn't that we did anything spectacular, just that we did lots of fun things together. Can't get better than that.

A Love Song...

TR serenaded me this week. The High School Musical soundtrack is big in our house and all the boys dance around singing their approximation of the lyrics. On Tuesday, TR made an "I love Mommy" song to the tune of one and crawled into my lap to sing it to me. Life cannot get better than that. These are the moments to which the mothers of teenagers are referring when they talk about how great it was when their kids were little.

It's not much of a secret that I've been waiting since birth for my children to be older. Nothing against the under-5 set, but I just understand older kids better, they make sense to me. One of the best compliments I ever got as a teacher was from the student who told me "You might be white on the outside, Ms. Up, but on the inside, you're black." On the face of it this is hilarious, since I'm about as WASP as you can get, inside and outside. What he was meant was simply that he could tell I was comfortable being around my students. I always expected them to act appropriately, but I also understood that they were going to act like teenagers and was completely at ease with that. I heard a great quote from a 3rd grade teacher asked about teaching older students. "I've met my people," he said, "and they are 4 feet tall." I've met mine also, and they are closer to 6 ft.

I found myself thinking today about the difference between being someone's teacher and being their parent. I'd like to think I'm going to have the same relationship with my boys that I had with my students but have to acknowledge that's unlikely. As a teacher, I saw them for 90 minutes every other day. We did some cool activities, had some great conversations and that was it. Granted I tested and graded them, not so happy for them since I can be tough, but still I wasn't reminding them to do their homework or take out the garbage or grounding them for missing curfew. I was an authority figure but not the ultimate one. There was no real reason to rebel against me, no need to assert their independence or distance themselves from me.

As much as I would love to be the only parent around who is never told they're horrible or "I hate you," I do know the odds are against me. Still, I'm also hoping I get to have the same engaging conversations with my boys I've had with so many others. Because the same thing that makes those years so hard on parents is what makes them so great for teachers. You get to watch your students figure out who they are, not who their parents want them to be. They try on different hats to see how they fit, find their strengths, and begin determining how they will make their mark on the world. It is an amazing process to watch and I only hope I'm able to appreciate it in my sons as I have in my students.

Regardless, I will get through the rough days the same way parents always have, playing the "I love Mommy" song over and over in my mind.

Family Christmas

For our family in the South and West who missed Christmas with the boys, here's a run-down on the week's activities. (This is a little long.)

The boys received an early Christmas present from Mother Nature, who dropped 18" of snow on the ground last Saturday. To say they were thrilled would be a major understatement. All the snow gear went on and they were outside by 9:30 am, loving life. TR made it through an hour that first time, pretty good for a 3 yo out in near blizzard conditions, and his brothers were out for closer to 2 hours. They came back in for coco and lunch and some down time and headed back in the afternoon for another round. Over the next two days, we had snowball fights and made a snowman and otherwise frolicked. Interestingly, we realized that shoveling snow is a great form of natural OT for CJ, works his muscles and gives him lots of sensory input. When Craig went out to shovel, CJ was right there with him the whole time outlasting even his older brother. He was incredibly calm for the next two days, an early gift from Mother Nature to his parents.

By Tuesday the pre-Christmas frenzy had kicked in and the boys were on a rampage. I worked to keep them busy and they were great helpers. AJ wrapped presents with me and was pretty good at it. CJ painted watercolor Christmas trees to add to the packages. This was actually my favorite present this year. For the first time in his life, CJ independently sat at a table and wrote and painted for a significant length of time. He first wrote all of his letters and then made a whole series of pictures for family. We knew he had the skills but his sensory issues were getting in the way of his coloring in even the simplest way. It was the first visible sign that all the work this year is paying off and made me very proud of him (and grateful to his team at Stokes for all they've done to help him).

I have to admit that I, at times, doubted whether we would make it to Christmas morning with the adults' sanity in tact. Christmas Eve included a run to Target for me with all three boys in tow, a major undertaking but still one they came through all right. I did at one point threaten to make the next one to misbehave sit and watch his brothers open two presents before he could open any, needless to say that helped immensely. It also helped that Muzzy had sent a new table for use with Legos and her blessing to open it early, it was a welcome distraction those last few hours. Craig got home around 2 pm and we were off to the races, with last minute cleaning to prepare for the family visitors and then baths and dressing for church.

I think both Craig and I were dreading church, given the antsy behavior of the guys, but they were amazingly well-behaved. I was incredibly proud of them. It was a particularly moving experience watching AJ at the service this year. For the first time, he could read along with the adults and it was amazing to watch the service take on a completely new meaning for him. He read every word and sang every hymn and was totally engaged. I could see church and the service becoming more real to him and relished his new understanding of the words he had been hearing out of the corner of his ear for the last 7 years. TR spent most of the service in his father's arms, people watching and enjoying all the music. CJ was on point during the children's sermon. He raised his hand whenever the chaplain asked a question and when called on answered and managed to add an interesting tidbit here and there. The chaplain was impressed and told him to keep studying and prepare for his ordination one day. My dad was thrilled, perhaps hoping that after skipping a generation the minister gene is making an appearance in one of his grandsons. When it all became too much for him, CJ curled up in my lap and took a break from everything going on around him.

We opened presents with my dad and step-mother back at the house after the service and it was a great kick-off to the event. AJ got an alarm clock, which he promptly set for 7 am (the time at which they were allowed to come and get mom and dad) and the two younger ones got great toys that they took to bed with them. After they left and boys finally went to sleep, our work began. It was 2:30 am before we were finished with all the prep for presents and Christmas dinner but worth the effort.

Needless to say, the alarm was unnecessary. The boys were up at 6:15 am and ready to go but did a great job of staying in their room until the alarm went off at 7. We headed downstairs with their eyes closed so they could eat their pre-present snack and then it was finally present time. The Santa presents got oohs and aahs, as did the gigantic beanbag chairs from Aunt Amy that could not be wrapped. After present opening and an enormous breakfast the boys got a little time to play before the next round arrived with Meme, grandad, Uncle Bill and Debbie and Aunt Erica and Uncle Francis. In a short time our house looked like a small toy store and the boys were in heaven. TR in particular was amazed, he wandered from toy to toy in a daze wanting to play with everything all at once. He finally collapsed into bed for a long nap, too overwhelmed to do anymore. After everyone was gone, we had a rousing game of Twister and did some target practice with the Nerf Dart Tag guns from Janine and John and finally managed to get them to sleep at 8:30. Craig and I followed about 5 minutes later.

As usual, watching their eyes light up and seeing the sheer joy on their faces made all of the running around and chaos more than worthwhile. I know that someday we'll have a nice sedate Christmas again and it will be nice, but I'm not actually looking forward to it. Christmas is a celebration of the birth of a child and of the new world that he brought with him. In their innocent joy, our young children are often closer to understanding that new world than we older, more jaded souls. They still think more of what can be than of what isn't. I, for one, am not looking forward to losing that window into the possible when it closes.

Boy moments...

Three is an interesting age, one moment you feel like you're about to lose it with them and then they do something that makes you scoop them up for a great big snuggle. TJ has been on a roll lately and just had to share my favorites.

"Mommy, did you know that Logan doesn't have any brothers? Not even one!" This was the realization he had two weeks ago in school. I think it was the first time he really understood that not everyone lives in boy central. It was incredibly adorable how sad he was for Logan (I'm sure Logan's parents don't share the sentiment). It also touched me because it showed how much he loves his brothers and how lucky he feels to have them around.

"Baby wants to go on the slide." We had an impromptu playdate with a baby doll last week. He went out to swing and named all the swings (the baby swing, the big boy swing and "Drew's" swing). First, he told me that he was too big for the baby swing and went to get on the big boy swing. Then, he looked over and said "baby wants to swing." We got baby doll and started an odyssey around our backyard. Baby went on the swing, the slide, the climbing dome, and also played golf and went for a ride in the police car. Our playdate ended when he fell down and needed to be carried back inside, a reminder that however big he gets, he's still my baby.

"Sit next to me, mommy." The great thing about 3 is that they are still young enough to openly acknowledge they need you. He's definitely a clingier child than his brothers. My mother guilt fears it's because I was working his first years so he didn't get the time with me that they did. Regardless of why, it is nice to have a constant stream of reminders that I'm loved. Every morning his whole face lights up when he sees me for the first time and I get a big "mommy!" Whether he's coloring, playing with his toys, or watching TV, he wants me right there with him. I can't always do it, but it's nice to be asked.

My 3 yo is not alone in his cuteness. CJ also has had some great lines. My personal favorite? "Mommy, you are better than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." And even though AJ is too old to be verbal in the same way, I love that when he sees me in the hall at school he'll still hop out of line and come throw his arms around me.

I love my boys.

How Are You?

We ask it countless times each week of friends and family. It sounds innocuous but it can feel like one of the most loaded questions there is. I asked it of a friend this week and she paused before answering and then told me about some hard things that had happened to her recently. At the end, she said she thought about just saying "fine" but decided to tell me the truth and she hoped that was okay.

Of course it was okay, but I got her hesitation. I feel it all the time, not so much with people I don't know well, those are easy, but I'm never sure how to answer those with whom I am closer. How am I? Honestly? That's hard to say. I do have days that are okay, days when I can do what I need to do and my chest pains and random drug side effects are manageable. Not gone, really, but just sort of hanging out at the edges of my life.

And then there are days like yesterday, when by 5:30 I was done. I simply couldn't do anything else. It didn't help that I've had a cold, not one that would normally bother me but just enough to send me over the edge. Craig thankfully came home early because when he walked in the door at 6 I was curled up on the couch. I didn't move until 11:30 when I finally had the energy to go to bed. It was one of those days when AJ knew not to ask about reading from Bed Knob and Broomstick but just snuggled next to me for a few minutes before heading to bed. A day when Craig carried TJ crying up the stairs because he wanted mommy to put him to bed. And a day when CJ stood in front of me and said he knew I was tired and didn't feel well but he just wanted to say goodnight and he hoped that was okay.

It's not okay that my child feels like he can't just come say goodnight to me. It's not okay that reading a chapter in a book or tucking my 3 yo in bed is beyond me. It is, however, the reality, for now.

But people don't really want to hear all that, I know. I'm tired of my health, so I'm pretty sure my friends and family are tired of hearing about my health. I know my husband is tired of hearing about it.

So how am I? Let's just stick with "I'm fine."

When shopping isn't about shopping...

"Becca really wants to go this year," said Janine. "Nope, she's not old enough yet," was the firm response from Erica and me. A morning of shopping sounds great to a 12 year old, but the annual Cawthorne girl shopping trip on Black Friday is a tradition to which we all look forward for reasons that have little to do with shopping, something it is hard to appreciate until you are older.

As with most traditions, it had a practical beginning. Janine's kids were getting older and it was easier to buy for them with mom there to point things out that they would actually wear/use. That first year the Friday after Thanksgiving was the easiest time to do it and to avoid crowds we went early (6 am) to Columbia Mall. We accomplished our goal, yes, but that's not all that has had us coming back to it year after year. As our lives have grown more complicated with kids, jobs and significant others, it has remained a time when we know we can be on our own and enjoy each other's company.

We do, of course, shop, although we have pretty strict rules. We don't wait in ridiculous lines (so no electronics or toy stores) and we don't let ourselves get too crazed about what we find or don't find. We walk around seeing what's out there, take coffee breaks, get lunch and talk. We talk a lot. Not about anything earth-shattering, just the kind of conversation that it is hard to have when you're being pulled in a million different directions but which is so important to help you feel connected to others in your life. Even when we aren't all in the same place, we carry on via cell phone what we would do in person.

Most people think we're insane for trekking out when we do, and that's part of the appeal. It means that in a week when every event has to be negotiated so that everyone possible is included, this is one outing that everyone is happy to leave just to us. Husbands, little kids, our parents, all have no desire to get up at 5 am and go to a mall. It gives us a few hours to accomplish a worthwhile goal and to be, not mom, wife, or daughter, but just Janine, Erica, Laura and, for the last five years, Samantha.

Samantha was 16 when she came with us for the first time, after asking for years. I'm not sure she saw the point that first year, we didn't buy her nearly enough stuff for it to live up to her expectations. Still, she's kept coming and it's been fun to watch her grow into the tradition. This year, at age 21, she summed it up perfectly. "It's not really about the shopping," she noted, "it's about the community."

So Becca will join us in a few years, when she's ready. And I'd like to think that when she and Sam have kids and busy lives of their own, they'll still meet us ridiculously early on Black Friday to remember that in addition to all our other labels, we share the one of friend.