So I'm helping the kids get their costumes on to go Trick or Treating, look outside the window and suddenly realize there are no decorations up. How is this possible? I love Halloween and we go to town (seriously, we decorate more for Halloween than for Christmas). How did I forget to decorate? Do I even have candy? I started panicking and looked for Craig to get help.
Then I woke up.
It took a minute for me to get my bearings. At first I actually started planning for how to get caught up on Halloween work, then I realized it was the last day of March - a little early for Halloween. I eventually got up and went about my day, but the dream has stuck with me.
Dreams come out of our subconscious, so where was this one lurking? Halloween does make some sense. I basically missed it this year since I was in the hospital for a heart procedure most of the day. I got home, managed to see the boys in their costumes before mom took them out and then collapsed. This was obviously not one of our finest days. A great symbol, perhaps, of all the other days, big and little, I have missed because of my heart condition?
In school, I used to have a dream where I suddenly realized I had a final in a class for which I didn't remember registering and to which I had never gone. Pretty scary. So is this just the mommy version of that dream? Am I venting my anxiety?
I have been in the middle of an internal debate over staying home next year. It makes sense on a lot of levels. I'd get a year with T.R., my last chance for little boy time. I could help get C.J. and A.J. settled into their new school and make sure the transition is as smooth as possible, especially sorting out the role the SPED department will play with C.J. I could stop trying to juggle work, home and my heart, focusing on being a healthy mom. No question, it's the right decision.
And then, I have a super-productive day at work and don't want to give up the way it feels when something clicks and I can help a teacher stay sane or a student get back on track. Or I see something I want to buy and realize I can't if there is no second income. Do these things outweigh the pros to staying home? Probably not, but they might be just enough to cause a few restless nights and the occasional anxiety dream.
Only 7 months until Halloween.
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IEPMOM: I think your dream is right were you say it in the Blog on the 2nd. I have dreams that are tangently attached to times and things in my health. The fact is I will never get over having Coronary Artery disease, COPD and Emphesema. In the Hospitaal I often dream of being late for Services with no Sermon and getting lost from the Office to the Sacristy. I really resent having had to be retired on Disability in my 50's. I will be 65 this year, maybe the dreams will stop now that it's time to retire for real. Jung was big on Dreams. I kept a dream Journal for a few years in my 40's.
ReplyDeleteFather John