The In-Crowd...

I just came across this post, which I wrote back in July of 2009 but never put up on my blog. A friend had lost his father and I was incredibly moved by the funeral and the amazing group of people surrounding him and his family. I didn't post it then because it seemed to close to the event for them and I didn't want to cause them more pain, but I still believe strongly in what I felt then and hope that time has made reading it easier.

There is a special dynamic that exists only at weddings and funerals, both highlight the communities in which we live our daily lives and bring into focus those who are most important to our happiness.

At a wedding, everyone is there to support the couple and celebrate their future. You're all happy, of course, but there exists at every wedding the in-crowd, that group of individuals closest to the couple. You may not know their names, but you know who they are. They were the first to arrive, often by days, and are the last to leave at the end of the night. You see them on the dance floor the most, laughing as the songs take them back to earlier times and happy memories. You know without asking that they are having the most fun and will cherish the memories of the day as much as the couple at the center of their tribe that day.

This is one of the times that having an in-crowd is not negative. The members have all earned their place in the group over years, and indeed the celebration that day is as much about them as it is about those getting married. These are the individuals who often knew them before they were a couple, who agonized with them over what to wear on the first date and where to go. They held the box of tissue and ice cream (or beer and chips) and listened to the details of the fights and then rejoiced over the make-ups. They were the first ones called after the proposal was complete (and some of them probably knew before the one being asked).

They are also the ones who will still be there once the presents have been opened and everyone else has returned to their lives. They will help celebrate the highs and grieve during the lows that are a part of any couple's life. They are a part of the in-crowd in the best possible sense. The wedding marks a new stage in the community they have created, tying them closer together and celebrating what has gone before.

This same dynamic is in place at funerals. Everyone at the funeral knew and wanted to honor the person who passed away, although some are perhaps there more to support a friend close to them. Regardless, all are there to support the family in some way, but for those closest to the deceased the loss is sharper and clearer and more deeply felt. This is the in-crowd.

For this in-crowd, there is also an element of celebration to the day. They share memories of past times, laugh at their loved one's quirks and reflect on their strengths and the times they were there for them in ways little and big. They find solace in their shared grief and lean on each other for strength, gathering instinctively around those most affected by the loss and offering a temporary, if imperfect, shield against the pain.

Their job also continues once the funeral is over. For most people, life will go on much the same as it has in the past. For the in-crowd, the real work of grieving is only beginning. They will be there for the late night calls and the endless-seeming tears. They'll remember anniversaries and birthdays and lend extra support during those first, dreadful holidays. They'll help remember all the happy times of the past and be a reminder that they will come again at a time when it is hard to imagine just that.

These are the in-crowds without which life would not only have much less joy but would also have much more pain.