I was talking on the phone to a friend, who works, and said I needed to go so I could head out to the gym. "Oh, rough life," she said, with the slight sarcasm that women seem to have so often when talking to each other these days. "Nope," I replied, "it's not. And I'm okay with that." It was funny how taken aback she was at my response, as I think many women would be. Somehow, we all seem to have gotten caught up in a competition over whose life is more stressful, working moms or stay-at-home moms. It is a competition in which I try very hard not to take part, because I don't see the point.
Is my life stressful at times? Hello, you're talking to the woman who shaved off all her hair last week because she just couldn't handle one more thing that day. Yeah, I have some stress. Is it more stressful than anybody else's? I doubt it but, and this to me is the central problem with the whole debate over whose life is more difficult, how on earth do you measure stress? How could you ever quantify the difficulty of any given life and decide how to balance that against another? Even within the two camps it can become an absurd endeavor to determine who has more stress. Is Michelle Obama's life, as she balances kids, a stressed-out husband and a very demanding job as First Lady, more or less stressful than that of a single mom who works in a factory and is constantly worried about money? Is this really a question we want to waste our time trying to answer? I don't think so. I'd rather stop worrying about who is more stressed out and put my effort into creating a balanced life for myself within which I can meet my needs and those of my family.
Yep, you heard me, a balanced life. The Holy Grail of parents, right? Everyone wants it and wants someone to tell them how to achieve it. But there's not a simple formula you can follow, because, and here's the rub, no two people see stress the same way so no two people will have the same balance work for them. What would seem unbearable to others might not bother me at all, and vice versa. To find your balance you to have find your greatest source of stress and then shift your life so that area is minimized, realizing that it will probably mean accepting a little more stress in other areas.
I figured out my greatest source of stress was not doing something 100% (so not shocking to anyone who knows me). I can't just punch the clock at home or at work and so I tried to do both as if the other didn't exist. I ended up unhealthy and unhappy and I'm sure unpleasant to be around. It didn't work for me or my family. So, I gave up a job I loved and left the city and my friends behind to live in a place with a lower cost of living. Except for 2 days in Williamsburg last March and time we spend with friends each New Year's, we haven't had a family vacation in years and we don't eat out much or buy a lot of clothes or new cars. I admit not having all those things is hard, but it's stress I can handle because in return I get to enjoy seeing my kids every day without wondering when I can get away to do work and I get to know that they enjoy seeing me because I'm smiling and happy and not rushing to get somewhere in a bad mood. This is what works for me. Craig's balance is different from mine because for him, my introvert, the stress of being around 4 loud and demanding boys all day is huge. He could never stay home full-time, even though he loves the boys just as much as I do. Neither of us is a better or worse parent, we're just different.
Hence, my answer to my friend's comment. I'm not ashamed to be in a good place right now and I won't apologize for it. She's right, I don't have a rough life and I've worked hard and given up a lot over the last few years to make it that way. Being the most stressed-out person in the room is not a prize for which anyone should be competing.
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