Seeing things from both sides...

Sitting on the SPED side of the table, your job has numerous parts. Most important, of course, is helping the student to succeed in the classroom. In addition, however, you need to make sure the parents understand what is happening with their child and how they can help them at home and school.

Ironically, I was actually pretty good at that second goal. I sat in meetings and clearly explained the various diagnoses, translating what the doctors and therapists said into concepts the parents could easily understand. I was also full of useful advice about things that they could do at home. I told them how to set-up morning routines and other changes they could make that might help their child. It was all so clear and simple as I laid it out.

Part of me wants to go back to every parent with whom I ever spoke and apologize. In the last 2 months we have received an incredible 3 page "sensory diet" for CJ detailing how to regulate every aspect of his life. We also have received suggestions for additional support, the latest being a trip to a nutritionist who specializes in working with kids like CJ. She'll help us figure out if there are any dietary factors contributing to his behavior and work out a diet for him to follow. Have I mentioned the neurological-psychological evaluation we're supposed to be getting? This is in addition to the weekly visits to a psychologist for play therapy and the extra OT we're starting outside of the school next week.

Don't get me wrong, I truly appreciate all the input and know that it will help. Craig and I are both committed to doing whatever we can to help CJ integrate fully into a classroom setting, as are most parents. I just wish I had understood more clearly how overwhelming everything can be on the parent-side of the table. I thought I did, but I was wrong. And the impact is not just on the parents, which is often completely overlooked. CJ's brothers will be spending their Monday afternoons in the car driving him to different therapists and then waiting until he's done, because paying for all the therapy leaves no money for childcare. Balancing what's best for CJ with what's best for the family is a hard line to walk, and we actually have it fairly easy compared to parents dealing with issues like autism.

So what could I have done differently? I'm not sure except listen and try to help more with figuring out the logistics of it all, but maybe that would be enough. The challenge, of course, is that that would take time. Meetings with parents tend to be well-orchestrated affairs. There is often a lot of information that needs to be presented and decisions made with not much time in which to do it. Meetings come at the expense of time with students and we try minimize that impact whenever possible. Again, our primary goal is helping the student and that needs to remain our priority.

And at the end of the day, I do think the best thing we can do for the parent is help the child. That is not a little thing, as I can attest. For me, knowing that CJ is going into a classroom every day where he is happy and completely supported is an amazing gift. Still, when I end future meetings by asking "do you have any questions or need any help with anything?," it will not be a formality but an honest inquiry based on a willingness to listen.

Making progress...

It has been a productive weekend for us, the kind of weekend it's been difficult to have for several years and which we'd missed. Craig and I worked on the basement rehab yesterday, reorganizing the laundry room and his work space and putting down a floor. Today, Craig kept going on the boys' section of the basement and I went on a cleaning binge upstairs.

The most exciting part of this? We did it with all of our boys at home the whole time (along with several friends), and not even a naptime. They wandered in and out of the house, playing basketball and football in the yard, making endless paper airplanes and playing the Wii during yesterday's rain. Today, they helped me clean their rooms before heading outside once again. I checked in with them periodically, settled minor conflicts and gave them a ton of food and they were good to go. We ended each day with some family time (made more exciting on Saturday by the loss of power we experienced), but got the time to focus on a task.

It wasn't ideal, I admit. I was pulled back and forth between kids and work and was pretty wiped out at the end of it all. It was, however, a big step forward for us. With two of the kids 5 or older, we have officially entered a new, less intense, phase of parenting. While I still miss parts of having a house full of babies and toddlers, I have to confess that I am welcoming this new era with open arms.

For better or worse?

We are the generation of divorce. More of my friends have parents who aren't married than parents who are. We are basically well-adjusted and happy people, most married and raising children. I have, however, recently found myself drawn into several conversations about divorce, not about who is getting one but rather the fact that no one in my immediate circle has.

These conversations have an interesting flow to them. For the most part, the participants are slightly tentative, we worry perhaps about jinxing ourselves. We marvel at the fact that everyone is still married and brainstorm reasons, we all got married when we were older is a favorite. A friend dropped a bombshell at a party last month. The parents of her son's two best friends have both separated recently. She said that when she mentioned it to a co-worker with older children, her co-worker nodded and said that it was that time. Apparently, it was when the co-worker's kids were between 7 and 9 that marriages began to fail.

There is a strange logic to this, actually. When your children are young you just put your head down and push through the midnight feedings, terrible two's and potty training. You love them and enjoy them but they tend to sap all your strength and you operate largely day-to-day. Once they get older and you can spare some time to look around again, there probably are couples who realize they have lost what they once had.

So maybe we all haven't found the secret to eternal marriage, maybe we just haven't hit the rough times yet. The truth is we won't know until we get there how many of us will be fine. No relationship comes with a guarantee, marriage least of all. Craig is remarkably sanguine about our marriage, perhaps because his own parents stayed together. His response when I mentioned we should spend more quality time together to keep our marriage strong? "That's fine, but I'm not sure why you're worried. Why would I ever decide to stop loving you?"

Maybe that will be our secret weapon, not merely a commitment to staying married (we all know far to many parents who did that for the wrong reason) but a commitment to loving each other or at the least remembering why we love each other. The difference? Loving and remembering are action words and no marriage can last unless both partners are active participants. So when you find you've lost something, you take the time to remember what you had and commit yourself to finding it again.

As simple as it sounds, Craig is right. More than half the battle is waking up every day and deciding to stay in love with your spouse.

Have I mentioned I love how insightful my husband is?

My Doubly-Exceptional Child

I signed CJ's IEP yesterday, making his status as a special education student official. We had a really good meeting last week with one of his teachers, Craig and I, his Learning Specialist, the OT, psychologist and Special Education Coordinator. It was quite an impressive gathering and we had a great conversation about CJ's needs and how best to meet them.

The SPED Coordinator set the stage for the discussion by reviewing his evaluations. He was found eligible for services based on his Non-verbal Learning Disorder. He actually has what is known as a Dual Exceptionality, since he also qualifies as a gifted student. This can be helpful since he will be able to compensate for some of his weaknesses but also poses challenges since he can easily become frustrated and at times bored.

At this point, CJ is on track academically (yay, gifted) so most of the focus right now will be on his sensory issues. The OT was very pleased that he had been identified this young since it means that they can actually use therapy to rewire his system. This is pretty huge, in general SPED works on helps student to compensate for weaknesses, actually "fixing" them is not usually an option. It means that with aggressive work now, CJ should be able to function normally within a classroom setting. Resolving his sensory issues before any academic difficulties kick in will make handling them that much easier.

I have to say that I am incredibly happy with how CJ is doing at Stokes. His teachers are fabulous and have done an amazing job of meeting his needs in the classroom, even before any additional help has been put in place. Over the next week, CJ's services will start to kick in and hopefully we'll see him making even more progress.

Most importantly for us, CJ is also really happy. He has made great friends and enjoys his days with his teachers. The peace of mind that brings to Craig and me is truly priceless.

Building a Comunity of Learners? First, Welcome Everyone

For a school to be truly successful it must be made up of a community of learners, or an environment where students support each other and their teachers. This is particularly true in an urban environment, where students often have issues outside the school that can greatly impact their school experience. Creating a community of learners, however, remains for most an unfulfilled and often overlooked ideal. We feel very lucky, because the boys' new school seems to have done just that. To begin with, Stokes has realized that in order to have a community of learners, you must first have a community and communities are built by shared experiences for teachers/staff, students and their parents.

Parent outreach is particularly challenging in this day and age. Easy things first, I have never walked into that building without someone greeting me with a smile. It is a small thing, but you'd be amazed at how important it can be. If the people who work there don't seem like they want to be there, then why would I? Also, Stokes had new parent orientation the week before school started and I was surprised at the turn-out. Then again, they have a parent outreach coordinator on staff and I received a phone call the night before reminding me about the meeting and encouraging me to attend (the phone calls were in Spanish where appropriate). At the orientation, parents requiring translation were given headsets and a teacher provided a simultaneous translation of everything that was said so no one felt out of place. Ninety percent of faculty and staff were also present, modeling the engagement they wanted to see from others.

This same philosophy held true on the first day of school. Presented with the natural chaos of the first day, Stokes made the decision to embrace it. Not only did they welcome the students and their parents to the celebration, however, they reached out to the Brookland community and invited them to join us. After a short morning meeting, the entire school gathered in the courtyard and began a parade up 12th street, walking a 6 block square complete with fire engine, music and balloons. It was great to see. On the way home from school that afternoon, a man stopped my boys and asked if they were in the parade that morning (they were wearing Stokes t-shirts). When they said yes, he told them he'd been watching and he hoped that they had a great first day and a wonderful year.

They follow up the first day with continual opportunities for those experiences. All students 1st grade and up start every day with a school-wide morning meeting, where they repeat the school's three rules (I will take care of myself, of others and of my community) and sing. It only lasts 10 minutes, but it brings everyone together and helps them recognize they are part of something larger than just their classroom. (One of the saddest days I had at our old school was when they stopped holding the Monday morning meeting since it meant that there was never a time when the school gathered as a whole.) Today they all participated in Chalk for Peace, gathering outside the school for 20 minutes to draw pictures representing their vision of peace. Even the placement of their playground plays a role. Right outside the front of the school, it draws students and their parents at dismissal and gives us the opportunity to cement relationships with each other.

In the first two weeks of school, they have already provided more opportunities for community building than many schools do in a year and my boys and I feel like a part of Stokes and enjoy our time there. I'm looking forward to seeing how they turn this sense of belonging into an impetus for learning. Right now, however, it's just nice to know we've found a school that feels as strongly about community as I do.

Another New Diagnosis...

CJ had a pretty intense round of testing with an Occupational Therapist last week (4.5 hours over two days). Craig and I met with the OT today to review CJ's results and it's official, he has a Sensory Processing Disorder.

We weren't surprised that his gross motor skills were largely within the average range. He does have some problems with his fine motor skills and also some muscle weakness, the last was a surprise.

The largest issues were sensory. There were a series of tests where she touched parts of his arms with a pen while he couldn't see them to see if he could locate the spot touched. He is touch sensitive, indicating the light touches felt like he was getting a shot. He was also pretty far off target in trying to locate where he was touched. All the bouncing around he does, off of furniture and other people, is sensory seeking and fit in with other pieces from the testing. Especially exciting to us, his potty-training issues also fit in with the diagnosis (he actually means it when he says he can't feel it when he needs to go) and we should be able to see improvement in that as he makes progress.

She'll write up all the results and talk to the OT at CJ's school and the psychologist to coordinate treatment. Luckily, there is a lot of research out there on treatment and he should make a lot of progress once we get started with, most likely, twice a week therapy sessions.

Craig and I will also have a lot to do at home. She recommended a trampoline and a boxing bag to help him get his sensory fixes in a more appropriate manner, which we'll explore.

It is unclear how this ties in with his earlier diagnosis. There is some overlap but how much is unclear and what role the sensory issues could have played in his low Performance IQ score remains to be seen. Eventually, we'll have the psycho-educational testing redone and see if there is any change.

It satisfying to have nailed down yet another aspect of his problems and feel like we're making progress. He is also doing well in his classroom, which is a relief. His teachers have been really proactive with him and seem to be helping him manage well.

Seeing what looks like a light at the end of the tunnel makes us happy, once we start making greater progress towards the light we'll be even happier.

First day blues...

So a month ago I would have thought I'd be overjoyed tonight. The boys head back to school tomorrow and it will only be TR and me at home for the first time. I am excited to have some time alone with TR, it's true, but am surprisingly sad at the thought of my other boys leaving me again. There have definitely been long days this summer, but there has also been fun and a welcome opportunity to spend the time with my boys I'd been missing the last two years while working.

The boys seem to be semi-excited about their new journey. CJ did not get into the Chinese immersion program after all, so we decided to leave AJ in the French program as well. I met with CJ's team for an hour last week and came away with a great sense of confidence. The teachers had great ideas for incorporating him in the classroom and it's obvious that they have the experience to give him what he needs. CJ was thrilled to learn that his French teacher plays the guitar and they will be singing lots of songs in French. The only thing that could make him happier would be if he handed CJ the guitar.

AJ came to the new parent orientation program and got to meet his teachers, which made him happy. He doesn't adapt to change as well as CJ and has more anxiety about the switch from his old school, but he is being incredibly mature about it all. We had a chat this weekend and he is definitely planning for the best. One of his teachers is from London, and he thinks that is pretty cool. There are 4 other new students in the class, which should also help.

Craig and I are happy that both classes have about 20 kids in them and there are two certified teachers in each, a 10 to 1 ratio is hard to get anywhere. It is also an established school, going into it's 12th year, which shows in lots of ways big and small. They have already ironed out a lot of the bugs and have set routines and a fantastic school culture. One example, the school has a first day celebration, complete with a parade down 12th street accompanied by fire trucks, which they will both love.

Erica and I took the boys for a walk on the C & O canal at Great Falls this morning and it was fun to watch them exploring nature. Craig was working on the basement when we got back and AJ took some extra wood and made scales for Craig and I, hammering the nails himself and painting them. He was very proud of his work. CJ played games with his aunt and took it easy. They hung out with friends before dinner and generally had a great last day of summer vacation.

We've delivered the supplies to school. I took orders for first day of school lunches and they are prepped. Craig is going to stay with AJ for the first part of the morning and I'll be in CJ's class with TR. We are all as ready as we can be for the changes that will come with a new school year.

The mixed emotions inherent in parenthood always surprise me. We spend a lot of time waiting for what is to come, for the first steps, first words and all those first days of school. Yet when they are here, they are inevitably accompanied by a tinge of sorrow, for each of those changes is one more small step away from you. We work hard to ensure that our children are prepared to leave the nest in little ways and then big, but can never ease the pain that we feel when we are no longer the center of their lives. It seems that growing pains are not just for children.