My last coronary artery spasm was 5 weeks ago, which is a new record for me since this all started. It took 2 weeks before I stopped feeling crappy and another 1.5 weeks before I felt normal, but I did feel normal for the first time in a long time. Wow! It was wonderful. If I didn't know I had a heart, I wouldn't have been able to tell (my ultimate gauge of health these days).
So what did I do? Nothing too radical, I simply lived my life as I normally would. C.J. was on Spring Break, so I juggled time with him and T.R. and work for the first three days. On Wednesday, I pulled A.J. from school and headed up to my mom's with all three boys to spend time with my brother and his family who were visiting. Thursday was all day in Baltimore for the boys first Major League Baseball game. It was a great week all around, until I woke up Friday and was exhausted. Really exhausted.
No problem, I could adjust. A.J. went with my brother and his family to hang out some more in College Park and on the Mall at museums, while I took the other two home for some relaxation. The drive home was a little scary but we made it. I got everyone lunch, put the little one down for a nap and sent C.J. outside to play. Still not feeling great, I had my brother drop A.J. off and Craig got home from work around 2pm (love when the office closes early for holidays) so we were set. I sat down for a little while as I know I should and it worked, I felt better.
So much better, that I cleaned my downstairs because 1) it needed it desperately and 2) I was hosting Easter dinner. On Saturday, I did all the normal prep for Easter, which in this case included shopping for Easter basket items and shoes for A.J., pulling all the 4T clothes out for T.R. and putting away the 3T clothes, and more cleaning. Did I mention I wasn't religious about my medicine this week either? But hey, I felt great.
I'm sure you can guess where this is heading.
Saturday night at 8, I did not feel well. I took my Amlodipine and waited for it to kick in. At 8:45, I really didn't feel well so I took a second (something which has been approved by my doctor) and sat there hopeful. My body, however, was not to be bought off that easily (too little, too late, it obviously thought) and sure enough by 9:00 I had had another coronary artery spasm. Ugh!!
Here's the thing about a chronic condition, it doesn't go away even when you feel good. Easy to understand in the abstract, in reality it means that you can no longer plan your life based on how you feel. The terms "sick" and "healthy" have completely different meanings. Recently I talked about "getting healthy" once I stop working and Craig jumped on me. I won't "get healthy" he pointed out, what I need to do is learn to manage my heart condition. He's right. I'm not managing my health, I'm just ignoring it whenever possible.
The real struggle for me is that the life I've always had is gone, at least for the time being. There is no more "normal." This is a pretty radical shift in perspective for me. Right now, I tend to go as far and as fast as I can until I crash, a tendency Craig would like to see replaced with a more balanced approach to life that involves fewer mangled fenders (or in this case arteries).
Maybe what I need is a new definition for normal. A definition based on the reality that there is no one thing I can't do, I just can't do everything all at once. Of course, that means I have to figure out what that new "normal" looks like. Which I can do, right after I clean my upstairs.
I know, I know, but it desperately needs it.
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Dear IEPMOM: When I had my first Heart Spasm we were living in Mt. Savage and I was 37 years old. I had #54 of the Angeoplasty's at Georgetown. you visited me from St. Timothy's. I went into Cardiac Rehabilitation and I discovered what normal was. I could no longer go to the Christmas Party XMAS eve between Services. I had to lay down with my feet up. I had to ask people to write requests for visits etc down on a tablet. That caused questions from the Vestry who couldn't understand why I couldn't remember them. All my Blood was in my feet. I had to go to the Rectory and lie down with my feet up. I kept on exercising after the the Cardiac Rehab was over (as I do now) I changed my diet. In my 30's it was easier to lose weight. I got back down to 180. That was the new normal. I had 9 hours of sleep and the devil take the hindmost. Even the witch understood. Life became very precious to me. I got an honest Doctor who would tell me the truth. If not I wouldn't change anything. I listened to my Doctor and did what he said to do.I do my chores around the house a little at a time. It takes me 1/2 an hour just to pull the Trash and the Recycle. I do the dishes slowly. It took me a while but I gained Acceptance--a concept I'm familiar with from AA.
ReplyDeleteThats what the new Normal-Acceptance that the Upstairs can be done in stages and not all at once. Grandfather used to work a bit in his garden and then sit on a stump for a while. Then he'd work for a while. One thing above all things I always carried--and used--Nitro around my life. I have some in my watch pocket as I type. Normal is acceptance that life has changed. Accept the change for the Boys sake if not your own.