How Are You?

We ask it countless times each week of friends and family. It sounds innocuous but it can feel like one of the most loaded questions there is. I asked it of a friend this week and she paused before answering and then told me about some hard things that had happened to her recently. At the end, she said she thought about just saying "fine" but decided to tell me the truth and she hoped that was okay.

Of course it was okay, but I got her hesitation. I feel it all the time, not so much with people I don't know well, those are easy, but I'm never sure how to answer those with whom I am closer. How am I? Honestly? That's hard to say. I do have days that are okay, days when I can do what I need to do and my chest pains and random drug side effects are manageable. Not gone, really, but just sort of hanging out at the edges of my life.

And then there are days like yesterday, when by 5:30 I was done. I simply couldn't do anything else. It didn't help that I've had a cold, not one that would normally bother me but just enough to send me over the edge. Craig thankfully came home early because when he walked in the door at 6 I was curled up on the couch. I didn't move until 11:30 when I finally had the energy to go to bed. It was one of those days when AJ knew not to ask about reading from Bed Knob and Broomstick but just snuggled next to me for a few minutes before heading to bed. A day when Craig carried TJ crying up the stairs because he wanted mommy to put him to bed. And a day when CJ stood in front of me and said he knew I was tired and didn't feel well but he just wanted to say goodnight and he hoped that was okay.

It's not okay that my child feels like he can't just come say goodnight to me. It's not okay that reading a chapter in a book or tucking my 3 yo in bed is beyond me. It is, however, the reality, for now.

But people don't really want to hear all that, I know. I'm tired of my health, so I'm pretty sure my friends and family are tired of hearing about my health. I know my husband is tired of hearing about it.

So how am I? Let's just stick with "I'm fine."