Growing Up...

I bought 4 pairs of size 12 jeans today for my oldest boy, as well as a 24" bike, and two days ago signed him up for his first sleep-away camp experience. How crazy is that? I just last week dressed my youngest in one of the outfits his biggest brother wore when he was a toddler. I have an incredibly vivid memory of how much fun I had buying it for him and how completely adorable he was in it. I can still feel the great big hugs he used to give me during his occasional love checks while playing at that same age. I am not ready to be the mom of this boy who is almost my height. I am certainly not ready for how ready he is to embrace independence.

When I mentioned camp to him, he didn't even blink. A yell of happiness at going was quickly followed by a howl of disappointment once he realized he had to wait 4 whole months before heading out to explore the world on his own for the first time. I know it will be harder for him as the time gets closer and reality sets in, but part of me wondered how this child, who was my one and only for 19 months, can be so happy at the thought of being on his own for a week. I know he'll miss me, but also recognize that we stand at the beginning of The Time When I Become Unnecessary.

The really sad thing is that it gets earlier and earlier with each child. My youngest already seems bored when it is just the two of us. He wants his brothers and their friends around to keep him entertained. Mom sitting on the floor playing with some blocks just doesn't cut it anymore. We have started going to storytime at the library and that seems acceptable so far, but really, at 14 months, our oldest thought watching mom put away dishes was incredible exciting. Oh, how jaded we have become. Apparently, he is as keen to start daycare two mornings a week and make his own friends as I am to have the time to focus on work. Luckily, I have learned that you can't try and make your children operate on your timetable. They are ready for the next step when they are ready, whether it's at 14 months or 9 years, even if you are not.

Actually, I do feel a sense a pride that we have managed to create a child who is confident enough in himself that he is excited by the thought of being on his own. And, after all, you do know going into parenthood that the goal is to do a good enough job that you put yourself out of work. But, as with most things, KNOWING something and FEELING it are entirely different experiences.

I find that I am still learning a lot about being a parent, like the fact that you can miss someone even before they physically leave you.

Claiming my own space (with pics)

My office!

I have an office. This might not sound like a big deal, but it is enormous for me. For the first time in over a decade I have a space that is all mine. (Okay, I do have some kid furniture in there, but that's just being realistic about my life right now.) Really though, it's amazing. My computer, printer, paper, bills and files are all in one place, so I'm not constantly having to go to another room to get something. It now tops my list of best things about my new house. I loved our old house, but it was so small that every inch was dedicated to the kids or the family as a whole. I spent the most time in that house every day and somehow had the least amount of space. Craig had the basement and the boys had basically everywhere else. I kind of perched in different places but didn't have anywhere to call my own.

This is no longer true. Here I took a space that wasn't being completely utilized and made it mine. I chose the paint color and the furniture and even did all the work myself, although Craig did have to jump in and help a few times. I'm not quite done, want to put either pictures or a memo board over the console and I need an office chair, but I'll get there. It was so much fun to put together. I had a very small glimpse at how the pioneers must have felt a hundred years ago as they claimed something and made it their own. I even have my own displaced persons, since the room I took over was the room on the first floor that my parents use when they visit. Not to worry, though, I left the center of the room open and have a nifty portable bed from Front Gate they can use. Don't want any unfortunate incidents to occur if the former inhabitants rebel.

I also feel like it was the first step in making this Laura's house instead of Amy's house. As I said before, the former owner had a great sense of style, which is why I didn't feel like I had to do much of anything before moving in here, but it was odd to live somewhere someone else had decorated. Starting to put my stamp on it has made me feel more at home. It actually inspired me to paint my kitchen. My mom helped with this, which was great since it turned out to be a much bigger project than I imagined. I picked a darker and warmer color and love how it makes the space feel cosier. I'll apologize for the pictures now, the boys broke my camera so I took these using our mini-camcorder and the resolution could be better.

Old color

New color

I probably broke some design rule because the new color is very different from the color in the living room next to it in the open plan, but I actually like that it makes a visual break in the space. 

living room right next to kitchen

Transition between the two

I also still need to do some decorating in the kitchen. My plates didn't work with the new color so I've moved them to the dining room and I'm not really sure what else to use. I also need to finish organizing the area by the desk and the door to the garage. That will be boy central, with a place for backpacks, coats and all things school related. Oh, and the light over the table is the one I spray-painted. It used to be an icky putty color, but I like it much better in antique bronze.

Anyway, I am off to my office to finish my latest work assignment. Yes, I have managed to say the words "my office" a ridiculous number of times in the last week and it still makes me smile.

Missing Dad

I am incredibly lucky that Craig's job requires very little travel. I have several friends and a sister-in-law whose husbands are regularly away from home. You'd think, therefore, that when he does head out of town we'd be able to go with the flow, and, for the most part, we do. During the week our lives are not so different since he's gone for 12 hours a day as it is. Weekends aren't fun but that is far less common anyway. Really, it wouldn't be that bad if it weren't for the cosmic chaos that seems to descend every time.

What's cosmic chaos? Cosmic chaos is having a sick baby and finding out you and your 5 year old have lice 24 hours after Craig leaves. It's the fact that in the last 24 hours, I've hurt my ankle and AR now has a butterfly bandage over the cut on his eyelid that almost required general anesthesia and sutures. It's those moments when you feel like one more event will push you over the edge and the result won't be pretty. I wonder, though, if it's really that much more chaotic than our normal life or if it just seems that way when I'm on my own.

Economists and politicians talk all the time about the economic benefits of two-parent households and I can see what they mean. I'm grateful that Craig working means I can stay home and it's great to know that if we really needed extra money it would be easy to achieve with my returning to work. I do not want to downplay the advantages all this provides to me and my children. But, to me, the real advantage to having that second parent in the house is not financial, but emotional.

I love knowing that someone has my back when things start to feel like they are spinning out of control. When I've had one of those days, the sight of Craig walking in the door is enough to put a song in my heart. You can almost sense a shift in the emotional balance of the room as he takes over soothing whichever child is in tears or cautioning the child who put them there. The space just to walk away and shut a door for 15 minutes and know that everything will go on out in the other room as it should is an amazing gift.

Just like bad days are made better by his presence, so too good days achieve new heights. Children already in good moods bubble over in their eagerness to tell dad all about the great things they did that day. More and better stories are told and plans made for the future add to the mix of happiness. Smiles seem brighter and the games we play simply more fun when we add in another adult to help guide the way and ensure every child feels they are receiving sufficient attention.

Could I do it all on my own? Of course I could, and in a way that meant my children were as well-adjusted as any others. I see single parents in action every day and the amazing amount of love and attention they shower on their children makes you realize just how great a parent one person can be. While I could do it on my own, however, I am grateful every day for the support from Craig that means I'm not managing the cosmic chaos alone. I'm also grateful for the occasional business trip to help remind me just how lucky I am.