Growing Up...

I bought 4 pairs of size 12 jeans today for my oldest boy, as well as a 24" bike, and two days ago signed him up for his first sleep-away camp experience. How crazy is that? I just last week dressed my youngest in one of the outfits his biggest brother wore when he was a toddler. I have an incredibly vivid memory of how much fun I had buying it for him and how completely adorable he was in it. I can still feel the great big hugs he used to give me during his occasional love checks while playing at that same age. I am not ready to be the mom of this boy who is almost my height. I am certainly not ready for how ready he is to embrace independence.

When I mentioned camp to him, he didn't even blink. A yell of happiness at going was quickly followed by a howl of disappointment once he realized he had to wait 4 whole months before heading out to explore the world on his own for the first time. I know it will be harder for him as the time gets closer and reality sets in, but part of me wondered how this child, who was my one and only for 19 months, can be so happy at the thought of being on his own for a week. I know he'll miss me, but also recognize that we stand at the beginning of The Time When I Become Unnecessary.

The really sad thing is that it gets earlier and earlier with each child. My youngest already seems bored when it is just the two of us. He wants his brothers and their friends around to keep him entertained. Mom sitting on the floor playing with some blocks just doesn't cut it anymore. We have started going to storytime at the library and that seems acceptable so far, but really, at 14 months, our oldest thought watching mom put away dishes was incredible exciting. Oh, how jaded we have become. Apparently, he is as keen to start daycare two mornings a week and make his own friends as I am to have the time to focus on work. Luckily, I have learned that you can't try and make your children operate on your timetable. They are ready for the next step when they are ready, whether it's at 14 months or 9 years, even if you are not.

Actually, I do feel a sense a pride that we have managed to create a child who is confident enough in himself that he is excited by the thought of being on his own. And, after all, you do know going into parenthood that the goal is to do a good enough job that you put yourself out of work. But, as with most things, KNOWING something and FEELING it are entirely different experiences.

I find that I am still learning a lot about being a parent, like the fact that you can miss someone even before they physically leave you.